Chapter 15 - Love Letters
I decided that I should write an extensive letter, since speaking with each other had become too difficult. I felt that a simple letter would no longer be sufficient. A renaissance in our relationship was needed. Anton's note did not reflect the freedom of a renaissance in thinking, or did even come close to the freedom of our sharing that had characterized our first night at the restaurant on top of the tower. Her brief letter seemed dictated by a fear that seemed to have clung to her for her whole life. Ushi's remark came to mind about the man who came to the priest to offer his gifts, but was turned away with the demand that he first resolve whatever conflict he had with his brother, and then come to offer his gifts at the altar of God. I was this man. Ushi had figured me correctly. I owned a debt to Anton. I had increased her fear. I had messed up her life more than it had been to begin with, and done so in an effort to help her.
Oh, but how is one to write a letter of apology, that is at the same time an acknowledgment of something great, and good, and lovely, that dissolves the deep, fear-imposed isolation that she found herself in? Maybe if my letter presented my most daring declaration of an appreciation for what I felt should not be concealed, of aspects of our relationship that were founded in Truth, maybe then the acknowledgement of it would carry the day. Could she fault me for that? Could she fault me for confessing that I perceived her as a beautiful sexual human person, a woman clothed with the sun?
The word 'barrier' came to mind. Sex as a barrier! The word, barrier, had a familiar ring to it. A sound barrier had once been envisioned that supposedly made supersonic flight impossible. But the perceived sound barrier was soon broken in the minds of a few scientists, who corrected their approach to airflow dynamics. It was recognized that new physical principles come into play when the flight of an object exceeds the speed of the pressure-wave propagation in the fluid of air, which determines the speed of sound. The discovery of this higher-level principle, which cannot be observed in 'slow' flight, had improved the scientists' understanding of flight dynamics. By the resulting improved perception the sound barrier, was reduced to nothing more than just an engineering challenge. Eventually, the challenge was overcome with the appropriate effort to the point that nobody talks about a sound barrier any longer. Hypersonic aircraft have since then been flown with air-breathing engine that exceed ten times the speed of sound. And so aircraft engineers were able to develop designs that were once deemed totally impossible according to the nature of fundamental physics. But this was then. It had been discovered since then that it hadn't been the Universe, that had stood in the way of breaking the sound barrier, but the prevailing narrow perception that had provided a false concept of the laws of the Universe.
I said to myself that the sex barrier might yet be resolved in the same manner. Mankind shouldn't be sexually divided and isolated into separate camps. The Principle of Universal Love offered us a way out of this trap, so why shouldn't we develop it. Why should we shy away from a possible breakthrough into a brighter world, since the principles for it had already been discovered and proven in numerous ways? But is this really possible to do in the world so heavily loaded with traditions, myths, and small-minded thinking? Is it achievable to develop the breakthrough technology at the present time, though the principles have been discovered that would enable it? Are we capable to apply them, or should this leading edge challenge remain unaddressed, and be left for distant ages to be sorted out, when mankind has become more mature? Anton's note almost suggested that. On the other had this hadn't been the way the sound barrier had been resolved. Indeed, why should the scientists have left this challenge up to future ages to solve, when the principles had already been discovered? Shouldn't I therefore address the sex barrier with the same readiness and tackle the challenge now, for which the Principle of Universal Love had already been put on the table?
The principle for meeting the challenge had been proven in part during every period of a renaissance where it had dissolved many forms of division and isolation, which then suddenly no longer seemed valid. And more than that, the light of the Principle of Universal Love was needed in our present world desperately, that had become dark. We had created a vast stage of conflicts where a future society might not be able to exist without that principle unfolding in the present, and from the deepest levels. We no longer had the luxury to leave the breakthrough work to future generations that might not exist if we fail today, if in indeed we had that luxury in the past to leave for the future what should be accomplished in the present, whereby the critical work wasn't done. The Whore of Babylon hadn't been defeated for 4000 years, possibly for this reason, and so it had gained evermore control to the point that we now find ourselves standing on a pile of 65,000 atom bombs, blabbering ever louder about preemptive nuclear strikes, whatever that might mean. Nor were we any closer in our private relationships to one-another as human beings, than we had been when the whorish nightmare began.
In this respect the unresolved divisions that were dividing humanity, had become a potential tragedy of unimaginable proportion. We had entered a boundary zone in which emergency responses are now required for our very survival, engaging in daring acts that offer the slightest hope to get ourselves out of our mess of universal division, isolation, threats, and quests for tyranny. On the other hand, do we have the strength to break the deadlock that we have patiently allowed to build up in the deepest realm, deeper than the nuclear threats, in the realm of sex and the Principle of Universal Love? And if we break the deadlock there, will all the other divisions be resolved in the same process of an inner revolution, which have been built up behind this one core-division that has isolated the whole of humanity? The questions kept piling up in my thoughts without answers in sight.
I decided to write Anton a letter presenting all of this, since her hole life had become of a fiercely guarded self-isolation based on this one unresolved core-division, a festering scene of a sickness which I had stepped into, and had made worse for her. I felt that I owed her at the very least, the effort to repair the damage that I had inflicted on her life, as I had dragged sex, and her fear of it, into the foreground. For this, I felt, I had to confront my own failure in my search for whatever it was that pulled us apart. With time now fast running out, the task before me was rapidly becoming an emergency project. The impasse had to be explored with the most advanced scientific method of reasoning that I could muster. It seemed wrong to simply close the door and run away. But how was I to confront such a deep issue, and to do it right after having blundered so badly? I faced a frontier that I had not crossed into before, or had even considered that it should be ventured into.
Perhaps an apology would open the door for what I needed to say.
I put my pen to the paper. "An Apology," I wrote in big letters across the top of the page and underlined it.
But what should I apologize for? The Tara story? Yes, perhaps the way I had told her that story was wrong. I had told it incorrectly in that I hadn't put the focus on sex that had been at the center of it, though I had been proud at the time of the fact that the entire Tara affair had involved not a single direct sexual contact, and that it was nevertheless beautiful, full, and sexually exciting, perhaps even more so for the reason that no physical sexual contact had taken place. Had this apparent focusing away from sex been wrong? Ushi might have said that this approach had been dishonest. Obviously she would have been right. The focus that I had chosen for telling the story had been wrong. And so, I hadn't achieved anything with it, but had made matters worse. Sure, there had been no sexual contact with Tara, or any coercion towards it, but inwardly it was all sexual. And so I asked myself if I should have daringly focused on sex with Tara, which had been missing at the time, and should have drawn Anton into this question. Had this unresolved omission with Tara now contributed to Anton's barrier? Had I come to the same barrier now with Anton, that I had failed to bridge with Tara, so that Anton couldn't respond to it either, and now found herself struggling against it to the point that speaking with one-another became difficult. My pushing against this barrier suddenly seemed dishonest, though it hadn't been with the intent to deceive. The dishonesty had been with myself. It came to light by me telling myself that sex wasn't important, because it was something that was far too difficult to deal with, which now caused her to retreat from me further into her already deep self-isolation?
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